60 Page Review: Vampire Crush by A.M. Robinson

Dear oh dear.... What can I say? The title and cover pretty much review the book's content on their own, do they not? No. Well, not all of it. I found the writing to be very sloppy and at times awkward, as well as the narration. I don't have the book on me now, but I remember something like: "I poked at the grapes on my plate with my fork. They looked like little grenades, and I wondered if they might explode. They passed the test."

What? Even when not considering the total randomness of this thought (leave out unimportant words!), it doesn't make logical sense, either: grenades are not mines! They don't just explode when touched! They have pins!!

Another thing was the lack of subtlety. The vampire's name was not Edward Cullen, or even something cool like Richard Sklenar or Kolo (the latter two being of my creation; I write the occasional vampire tale too, just not lame type of which we see so much today). No, no, his name was Vlad. FREAKING. VLAD!!!! Are you gods-be-damned kidding me?? And this got published! What's scary is that the author works in New York City - in publishing. Gulp.

And while Stephenie Meyer, the infamous author of the Twilight series (often referred to as a "saga") did not invent the concept of vampire romance (not even sure who did, if not Bram Stoker - but his was not nearly as stupid; in fact, Dracula has become a favorite of mine), this book rips off Meyer's work in numerous ways, what with the strange family moving in and the Hot Guy ignoring her and sitting with her in class and...you get the idea. This book, or at least the sixty pages I forced myself to read in order to get it off the list at my book club, is unoriginal, poorly written, and ultimately a sheer pain to read. I think I'll read something by Stephen King now, or maybe Mary Shelley's Valperga when I can find a copy. And I do hope Jenny Hubbard writes another book. I intend to be done with Robinson, but who knows? - I might have to do this again. Wish me luck.

Final grade: F

A better review here.

Au revoir!

- Lewis

Book Review: Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

I've done a lot of positive book reviews on here. This one is very negative. Twilight is currently my number one least favorite book - I haven't read too many bad books (I suppose I'm good at judging them by their covers, ha), but this one SUCKED. I don't feel like telling the actual plot, but here's what I thought it would be:

Bella Swan (Swann? Oh, I don't care) falls in love with a vampire who doesn't sparkle. She knows it is wrong but there is no cliche for that yet, so she goes ahead and does it. Edward has a part which threatens to take over and kill Bella (Gollum-like), and he cannot control it. He could attack her once and maybe she'd ward him off with garlic or something. Vampire hunters would come into play, and Edward (being the guy from the preface, no James) and Bella flee, but are led into a trap. He loses it again and lunges at Bella, and is shot at the last moment with a stake of ash or holly, or maybe a wooden bullet. Bella cries over Edward's ruined body and the hunter tells her it was for the best, he is saved now. As she walks away, Bella begins to feel an itch on her neck. She slowly reaches up to touch it and

THE END. No sequels. Every damn book nowadays has to be in a series, it seems.

Probably not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better than the real thing. But I was severely disappointed: Edward saves her Aslan style, meaning he defeats the bad guys by basically blinking (not literally). Defeats the purpose of conflict and tension, say I. I prefer the bad guys to have the high ground, so that the stakes, too, are higher. Plus Meyer butchered a fascinating concept (see previous post) and taught young girls that abusive relationships are OK. I've heard that all the books end by him saving her, and she does nothing to earn his love. She's lucky (or not) to be with him. As lucky in the being saved sense (not the abuse sense) as Meyer was to publish this trash. No originality, sloppy writing, weak characters, and sexist message. I hear she doesn't read vampire fiction herself because it upsets her to see anything too close to or far from her own fairies. Blegh. And she'd never even written a short story. Makes me and a lot of other honest writers want to vomit, I'm sure. I know it makes me.

And for those of you comparing it to Harry Potter: just don't. It's nothing like that. Not only is in infinitely worse than Rowling's gem, it's a different type of story. As a dear friend of mine says, "Apples to kiwis!"

'K, I'm done.

Final grade: F